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Ana Delgado
22 August 2011 @ 02:25 am
hooray for second chance #6,832,109!

I've made progress in the weight and housework departments. Yay. Best of all, I have some ideas on how to forward organizing and arranging furniture. The plan is to un-junk hub's office and turn it back into the bedroom it's supposed to be. In the meantime, we have to get organized financially and the house/yard. I have to loose more weight, get my blood pressure down, and wean myself off of caffeine. Why?

We're planning on having another baby.
(I know, right?)

I'm not totally crazy about diapers again and committing another 5 years to staying home, but I would like to celebrate expecting, just once. Mostly, it's for hubs. After all the crap, it's worth it to see him happy.

The time frame on this is pregnant within 12 months. I'm completely ok with getting knocked up month 11 day 29... he's the one freaking out about the big four oh, three years from now.

We'll see how it goes
Ana Delgado
22 August 2011 @ 02:00 am
i'm sitting here enjoying the quiet
and i suddenly realize, my belly feels empty

why is it comforting some times and neurotic others?

i know its from all the carbs at dinner
they've burned off, leaving me feeling empty but still bloated on unused calories

it's worse when i wake up at night or after naps
i go feral and HAVE to stuff something down my throat
sweets and bread preferably
i get cranky if anything or anyone else needs my attention while feeding
frenzy is a good word because it's mindless and urgent

for the moment it feels good

maybe if i persist and feed my frenzy with water my body will adjust and start to crave it when i need comfort
i read about this girl who used the same concept with exercise and emotional eating
Ana Delgado
22 August 2011 @ 01:58 am
i forgot about the incessant monologuing inside my head
i managed to muffle it with food and fear and denial and distraction
intentional white noise
there was no one to talk to anyways

so now i find myself thinking
thinking is dangerous
it takes you places you might not want to go
it scrapes and scrapes at all the comforting things you tell yourself
thinking leads to revelation
and once you know
you are required to do something about it
doing has never been my thing
i can think and speak
and plan and dream
map it out in the greatest detail
but doing...

once you start, you're committed
and it might be hard
you might fail altogether
worst of all you might not do it right
or you think you've done a good job and it turns out you've been delusional all along

maybe that's why i don't like periods (.)
they require deciciveness
Ana Delgado
22 August 2011 @ 01:57 am
i'm not trying to minimize or glamourize my drug use
i was completely out of control, unreliable, terrible at motherhood and employment
i did need help

its just, there was a point between quitting drugs and
getting married/going to church/trying to be respectable,
where i had a life, a good one
i had a personality
my daughter

i don't blame my husband, it takes two to ruin a perfectly good love and i gave my fair share
but there was abuse, verbal and physical
the thick, greasy film of sarcasm

i made it out the door once
took the boy and went to a shelter
i came back
i believed jesus got a hold of my husband

he did change
the sarcasm is gone, along with the abuse and threats

so why not leave?

*i've seen what lows they'll stoop to to keep the boy
*according to our churchy culture
i have no grounds: no abuse or infidelity, i'd be defying god
*single parenthood is tough
*no resources: bad credit, no car, no family/friends to lean on, no job skills ect.
*it's not worth the trouble right now, just thinking about exhausts me

i'll most likely leave him when the kids are grown and better able to handle it

until them, i'm trying to find some balance between the nerd-punk fake slut i was
and the uber christian holy matron i tried to be

i'd like to be able to look in the mirror and say i'm not the best, but i'm not the worst either
i'm so sick of feeling less than

i believe that life is what you make it
so enough of the bellyaching
it's time to get to work
Ana Delgado
22 August 2011 @ 01:56 am
food is now what dope used to be
once i put it in, i can't stop no matter how much i want to
no matter how wrong i know it is
no matter how disgusted i am

the oldtimers talked about the end of their addiction, how getting high was no longer fun
food is no longer fun
i wanted to be a chef
i loved to create
to explore

the hole inside of me now just screams more, more, more!
quality is a thing of the past
enjoyment, a faded memory

eating out is painful
the family looks on, grossed i think
and food dribbles and the hand shoves and conversation takes a backseat
and i promise that tomorrow i'll show some restraint

i hate the thing i've become
once i was thin and a little messed up and had lots of fun
and then i needed to be fixed, i was wrong, bad, dirty
so i retreated
built a wall of flesh

and now i want to be free
to laugh
to sing
to dance

i want my f-ing life back!!!!
Ana Delgado
19 August 2011 @ 05:43 pm
Guess what?
I found a community. Then another.

I'm now on PSE and NaNoWriMo and I feel quite accepted. j
Dunno yet if I'm going to keep this up, other than an online backup.
It is nice to have a place where I can cuss, admit that I don't have very strong convictions and talk openly about my love/hate relationship with food.

Hi mom!
Ana Delgado
02 July 2011 @ 09:10 pm
 whine, bitch, moan

I'm just feeling a little overwhelmed. My house is a mess and I'm not doing well on my diet. I just need to get caught up. 
Ana Delgado
01 July 2011 @ 01:05 am
I have a life outside of my diet.
I just write about it here because there's no one I trust to talk to. 

I'm supposed to be a church lady...
so far that hasn't been working out.
Ana Delgado
29 June 2011 @ 01:36 pm
wow 6 posts today
so I thought, why not make it 7?
Current Mood: amusedamused
Ana Delgado
29 June 2011 @ 01:33 pm
Know what else I love?

tiny tight butts
thighs that don't touch
collar bones
hip bones
sweet tight rounded bellies
lightly toned arms
glowing skin
long long hair
perfectly pedicured feet
candid portraits
high heels
shredded leggings
tiny shorts
angel pink
tight tank tops
pretty bras 
scene girls
long necklaces
well done tattoos
most of all... before and after thinspo that shows it's a real girl not some model who's always been stick thin
love love love
Current Mood: rejuvenatedrejuvenated