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22 August 2011 @ 01:57 am
salvaged part 2  
i'm not trying to minimize or glamourize my drug use
i was completely out of control, unreliable, terrible at motherhood and employment
i did need help

its just, there was a point between quitting drugs and
getting married/going to church/trying to be respectable,
where i had a life, a good one
i had a personality
friends
hobbies
dreams
my daughter

i don't blame my husband, it takes two to ruin a perfectly good love and i gave my fair share
but there was abuse, verbal and physical
the thick, greasy film of sarcasm
blame

i made it out the door once
took the boy and went to a shelter
i came back
*dumb*
i believed jesus got a hold of my husband

he did change
the sarcasm is gone, along with the abuse and threats

so why not leave?

*i've seen what lows they'll stoop to to keep the boy
*according to our churchy culture
i have no grounds: no abuse or infidelity, i'd be defying god
*single parenthood is tough
*no resources: bad credit, no car, no family/friends to lean on, no job skills ect.
*it's not worth the trouble right now, just thinking about exhausts me

i'll most likely leave him when the kids are grown and better able to handle it

until them, i'm trying to find some balance between the nerd-punk fake slut i was
and the uber christian holy matron i tried to be

i'd like to be able to look in the mirror and say i'm not the best, but i'm not the worst either
i'm so sick of feeling less than


i believe that life is what you make it
so enough of the bellyaching
it's time to get to work